...Hard TIMES...

So This has been one of the roughest months I have ever had...I have been debating on if I wanted to share this or not, but It's my life...

Dustin and I have been trying for a baby for almost a Year now, and On July 1st I took a home pregnancy test and it tested positive! Yay right, I was excited yet sceptical since, I was told I didn't ovulate and would need ovulation medicine to get pregnant and was meeting with my doctor July 27th to start this. So I was in shock and didn't really believe it, so I told Dustin that night, and we decided that if I took a test for the next 3 days we would tell my family at the 4th of July get together. So July 2nd positive, July 3rd Positive, July 4th Positive... YAY holy smokes its true! So I make the announcement. A day too soon! :( The next couple days I start having some complications. I go to the doctor Monday July 6th. They do a blood test to get my HCG levels 242 They confirm yes your pregnant, but let's repeat the test in 48 hrs, in a normal pregnancy they should double. The next day I have some MAJOR pain, I push through it but was extremely upset, I just felt wrong! So weds July 8th I have my blood drawn again, wait for the results for a few hrs... And yep, my feeling was right, My level had dropped 127, they also did an ultrasound my uterus was enlarged and was prepared for a baby, but they couldn't see the baby or fetus, so I am told that I am having a miscarriage and I will have to continue the testing and may pass some "tissue". I was devistated, I couldn't even comprehend what they were saying... I couldn't believe how something you wanted sooo badly and finely had could be taken like that from me. What had I done wrong!?! Nothing... So they say. But they wanted to monitor everything over the next few days to make sure the miscarriage goes smoothly and completes. Thursday July 9th I go in for an ultrasound, They weren't able to see anything but that my utertus is larger and the lining is thickening consistant with a pregnancy... But they couldn't see any baby, fetus or heart beat. :( So they said they would just continue watching my levels and see what happens. So I go in friday July 10th for my blood test and my level dropped down to 97. So still dropping, which is consitant and good sign in a miscarriage, even though it's not what I wanted to hear. So The next day was my Birthday and I didn't even care. Everything I wanted I had a few days early and now I was losing it. And I was in NO mood for a celebration... So the weekend came and along came some major cramping and a quizy feeling, but Monday July 13th comes, and I'm headed in for my blood test and on the way in I was in SOOO much pain I wasn't sure If I should go to the Emergency room or what... But I got to the hospital and ran inside to the bathroom, I felt like I was peeing myself, in the bathroom I passed some "tissue"... It was horrible and I was hysterical, I called my mom from the stall and she came to rescue me! Thank goodness for MOTHERS, and that she works really close by, so I was checked by the doctor and all ok, well atleast as ok as I could be at this point... so they figured I had passed it. :( But sent it for testing. I couldn't even bare to hear it that even though I knew it was happening.... But they then took my blood, and few hours later I got a phone call which I was told that my HCG levels have gone back up they were now at 107, so I had an ultrasound done at that time my uterus had shrunk from the previous US and they thought maybe the levels went up cause I had just passed it. But they said come back again Weds for another blood test, so Weds July 15th comes and my levels dropped down to 36, which is good at this point cause showed my body was adjusting back down. But they wanted to watch my levels til they got back down to normal, which is below 5. So they said come back friday, Ok Friday July 17th I go in and ta da, Carrie's ODD body likes to do it's own thing and never be normal My levels had gone back up again, I was now at 41, Ok not high enough for to many alarms to go off, but the whole time they said if you are in too much pain, back pain, shoulder pain, etc. Go to the ER, but come back Monday and we will test your levels again, At this point I am just exhausted, heartbroke, tire, sore, confused, pissed, all the emotions you can dream of, I just couldn't believe it all...SO any how here comes Monday July, 20th This is the 3rd week of this all, and I go in for my daily blood test, and NOOO Way, My levels are back up to 75, So they are concerned at this point that it's an eptopic/tubal pregnancy, NO WAY! :( So I go in for an ultrasound, they still can't see anything in my tubes and my uterus has actually thinned more. So, I am offered two options, cause I did in fact have a eptopic/tubal pregnancy, I can have them go in and scrape it all out and hope that they get it, or I can have a Methotrexate (sp?) shot. I said well they both sound AWFUL, but the shot sounds less painful! HA, So I have to get my blood drawn AGAIN for the 2nd time that day 8th time all together, to test that all my organs are working properly before the shot. So then I left the hospital about 1:30 ish, to go grab some food to come back at 3 for treatment... Then I start getting nervous & upset. I HATE shots, I hate getting my blood drawn and boy im getting used to it. My arms felt like pin coushins and were bruised, and now my hips were in danger of the same...UGH. So we go to the cancer treatment center where they do the treatment, and I have to wait in a room for 2 Hrs, thank goodness my mom was there to keep me laughing and my mind off what was about to happen. Then the nurse comes in and I just lost it! She explains to me the procedure and why, so basically it was to kill off the fetus so that it didn't continue to grow in the wrong spot my tubes, and NO this is not optional, cause it's unlikely I would be on T.V. saying I grew a baby in my foot. Which was a funny way of putting it. So I got two shots in my hips and was told I get a tiny break in the blood testing... I get to wait til FRIDAY July 24th til my next test. So then I went home and was sooo weak I went to sleep for pretty much the night. They next day I was in some pain, I was not allowed outside in the sun (which is fine by me) but also I am not allowed around any one that is sick, because the shot shuts down my immune system and thins out my blood. So I get a call that next morning with my mom frantic.. Cause she woke up extremely sick and was going in to the doctors cause she thought she had strep and was worried I would have it too since we had just spent the whole day together at the hospital... But lucky in that aspect I was feeling fine! But she was sad cause she would have to now stay away from me and wasn't going to be able to help me out. But I was just worried about her, she sounded awful. So I was home and that day I was have sharp pains in my lower back... Which could happen, my legs felt like they were sleeping, that tingely feeling, awful! But Dustin took care of me and helped me around. I got through the day. And went to bed hoping to feel better. I woke up at 6 am July 22nd to the phone call from Josh that Megan (my sister-n-law) was admitted into the hospital and was going to have MASON that day. YAY and wow 2 weeks early...but It was a HAPPY HAPPY day, I was going to be an AUNT, but it was also VERY heartbreaking. She was about the bring her baby into the world as I was losing mine. Trust me I was stoked! But that was a hard reality too have hit at the same time! So I sucked up my pain and went to the hospital to be there for my brother! *And remember because my mother spent the day with me in the hospital, so I felt guilty, she was now sick, and was unable to be there for her FIRST grandchild's birth, she ended up having tonsilitis and was put on antibiotics that day. Plus my father was in Floriday and was boarding a plane that afternoon, which they ended up having plane complications and landed in Atlanta and didn't get home til 1 am the next morning. So sad to say but they both missed the birth. :( but, I saw and visited with them for a bit first thing in the morning, but then went to go take care of there dog Tia and take her to my house for the next couple of days and then off to work to do payroll. Hurried with that and Then was off back to the hospital (which I pratically lived at anyways) to bring my Nephew into this world! It was wonderful! So... The next few days I enjoyed my new nephew I just was givin as I continued to get feeling better, I was still in some pain, but think that this helped to take my mind off my issues... So I went in Friday July 24th for my blood test, I was so nervous, I hoped this worked cause I just wanted it done, so we could start over! I got the call as I was watching my new nephew and his parents leave the hospital to go home, that my levels had dropped some and were down to 49. So they asked me to come back Monday for another test. The weekend was good we spent Saturday with my brother, sister, and mason and enjoyed lounging together and takin in the new member of our family. Then Sunday I was hit again with some pain.. I was upset, but just figured it's part of the cycle. So Monday July 27th blood test, and my results come back, My level dropped down to 8!!! Yay, well yay on some levels! It's still EXTREMELY hard to know what I have lost! But I am glad that I am almost normal so we can move past this and try again and we hope with better luck. So I don't have to go in for another WEEK... I have to go back Monday August 3rd, and I am hoping my levels are below 5. So then we have to wait a month before we can start trying for another baby... and let's hope it happens soon, I now know it can happen and it was within reach. And now I want HIM/HER more than ever!!! I can't wait to be a MOMMY.